


i don't mean to be selfish (but my heart breaks every time that i see you smile)

by celestialfields



Series: hosie oneshots [2]
Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hope needs a hug, Soulmate AU, hope loves trees tbh, pls someone give her one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:00:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23618641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestialfields/pseuds/celestialfields
Summary: soulmate au where you only see colour when you're touching your soulmate.-She hopes that one day it won’t be as bad and she won’t have to pick up her heart piece by piece every time she sees Penelope and Josie together.She kind of hates that she knows it’s not going to get better.And as much as the tribrid wants to deny it, even the universe had decided that they were made for each other.It had just made a mistake with her.
Relationships: Hope Mikaelson/Josie Saltzman
Series: hosie oneshots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1692151
Comments: 27
Kudos: 174





	i don't mean to be selfish (but my heart breaks every time that i see you smile)

**Author's Note:**

> had this idea floating around in my head for a while and i finally wrote it, so i hope you enjoy :))

Hope Mikaelson hates Penelope Park.

She hates how she can hurt Josie time and time again, and yet Josie just forgives everything she’d done, just because they are _soulmates?_

Hope calls it bullshit.

Complete and utter bullshit.

And it wasn’t because everything was bright and colourful and beautiful every time Josie grabbed on to her to steady herself while laughing and it wasn’t because every time they held hands to do magic together, Hope’s colourless world suddenly had meaning.

It wasn’t because Josie was _her_ soulmate.

It was because Josie was her best friend, and it was Hope’s job to be there for her. 

No matter how much it hurt. 

No matter how much Hope wished to tell Josie the truth, she knew she couldn’t destroy the younger girl like that. And having Josie as a friend was better than not having Josie at all. 

Sometimes she almost blurts it out. She can’t help herself; Josie sends all of her self-control out of the window.

But when she is alone, she allows herself to think of the lingering feeling of Josie’s touch, and the way her soft brown eyes see Hope like no one else does, and how Josie is just purely beautiful. 

She lets herself think of Josie, gentle and caring.

And sometimes, only in the depths of the night when no one is around to witness Hope’s heart shattering all over again, she lets a part of her believe that Josie is wrong, and Hope is her soulmate, not Penelope. 

But Hope always sees Josie’s face light up when Penelope enters the room. She’s watching, always watching, making sure Josie is seen when Penelope doesn’t. 

She sees the way Penelope saunters over and kisses Josie on the cheek, leaving a blush trailing in its wake. 

She sees their love, loud and clear.

She hates it, but she sees it all anyway. 

* * *

Hope Mikaelson is not a fan of parties.

But as usual, Lizzie had tried to persuade her to come, and this time, Josie had begged her as well, and who was Hope to say no to Josie?

Lizzie dragged a reluctant Hope along after she had procrastinated as much as she could while getting ready and Hope grumbled the whole way, but Lizzie put her meticulously practised selective hearing into use and ignored the older girl the entire way down. 

They finally reach the Old Mill, and Lizzie loosens her tight grip on Hope’s arm, leaving the tribrid to straighten out her shirt and rub her arm, acting like Lizzie had hurt her. This only gains her an eye roll from the blonde, who was used to Hope’s antics. 

“Look Mikaelson, this has got to be the first time you’ve left your room in months, you should be thanking me.”  
Hope feigns a gasp. “I leave my room all the time!”  
Lizzie gives her the side-eye. “Yeah, leaving to run as a wolf and going to class or whatever doesn’t actually count.”  
“You and Josie come over all the time.” She hopes Lizzie doesn’t hear the way her voice stutters over Josie’s name. “I still socialise.”   
She doesn’t know why she’s still trying- there was never any point trying to beat Lizzie in an argument, no matter how small. 

Hope practically clutches to Lizzie as soon as more people come into sight, hoping that the blonde will be content with her company and have no desire to seek out Josie.

As much as Hope wishes to see her, Josie and Penelope together while drunk was worse than them together sober- if they were open with their love for each other before, then them while drunk was on another scale. 

Unfortunately, it didn’t take too long for Lizzie to lean down to Hope’s ear so the tribrid could hear her over the music, and tell her that she was going to find Josie.

Hope swallows and nods. “I’ll go get a drink.” She replies, not wanting to see how pretty Josie would look, her face flushed and her dress showing off her toned thighs. 

Belonging to someone else.

She worms her way through the throng of sweaty bodies until she finds a stack of unopened beer bottles. Her heart sinks as she looks up and sees Josie and Penelope standing incredibly close to each other, Penelope’s hands roaming Josie’s sides and Josie’s fingers twirling in Penelope’s hair. 

Hope can’t look away, even when the jealously burns in her fingertips and spreads through every part of her body in a way that she didn’t even know was possible. 

She flicks the bottle-cap off using magic, and downs the whole thing. 

Finally, she forces her eyes away, picks up another beer from the pile on the floor, and pushes through the crowd to find Lizzie again. The blonde was dancing with MG, but left him when she spotted Hope coming over.   
“Hope!” she shouts, her voice slurred.  
The tribrid catches her in her arms as Lizzie stumbles forward slightly.  
“Woah! How did you get this drunk while I was gone?”   
“You were gone for a while.” Hope gulps, while Lizzie continues. “And I couldn’t find Josie… Have you seen her?”

There’s a pause where Hope just stares at Lizzie, but the siphoner doesn't notice, she's too busy focused on trying to stand up straight without leaning on someone else. She giggles as Hope has to grab her again, and she's clearly forgotten that she had asked a question in the first place.   
“Let’s do some shots!”  
Hope can’t help but smile, and she buries all thoughts that tell her this is a bad idea and follows Lizzie’s (unstable) retreating figure.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.   


* * *

7 shots later, and Hope finally feels the buzz coursing through her veins. She keeps drinking, knowing that she needs it if she was going to see Josie and Penelope again anywhere tonight. She dances with Lizzie, for once enjoying herself and not worrying about some trivial thing Alaric had decided to entrust her with.

Not worrying about Josie. 

It’s ruined when Hope sees them coming over and finds herself not having any time to prepare herself before they are upon her and Lizzie. Her eyes immediately zone in on Penelope’s arm snaked around Josie’s waist, and Josie’s tender fingers lying over Penelope’s hand on her side, and she feels sick.

She can’t blame them though- she takes all the chances she can get to touch Josie, all the while wishing Josie was hers to touch.

Penelope sends a fake smile at her and Hope readily returns something that likens more to a grimace. But when she turns to Josie, her mouth automatically melts into a wide smile, and Josie smiles back, her face bright, and it settles into Hope’s soul, and she feels warm. 

The brunette twin goes to hug Lizzie, and Hope’s eyes stay fixated on her, and if she looked to her right, she would see Penelope’s doing the same thing. The twins have a short, quiet conversation that Hope can’t hear, and she stands there awkwardly, not willing to move her eyes off Josie or make small talk with Penelope. Lizzie finally moves away, and Josie moves to hug Hope.

The tribrid finds her breath stuck in her throat as Josie comes closer, and once Josie’s arms are around her, she can’t breathe at all.

She can smell the alcohol on Josie, but mostly she just smells like home. 

“I’m glad you came,” Josie whispers in Hope’s ear and the older girl’s throat clenches, inhibiting her ability to speak, so she just nods and smiles even though Josie can’t see her face. 

Hope can now tell that her dress is yellow, and that it looks perfect on her. Josie pulls away too soon, but Hope’s hand stays on her arm for just a second, wanting to see the faint pink blush that adorns Josie’s cheeks every time the siphoner has alcohol in her system. She doesn’t notice Hope’s lingering gaze and moves back to take Penelope’s hand, and suddenly Hope’s world is dark and cold again.

“We’ll see you later?” the question is directed at Lizzie, but they both nod and Josie beams at them one last time before she leaves, Penelope with her.

Hope’s lungs are yelling at her for oxygen, and she gasps in the crisp night air, feeling its relief flood through her tight chest. The contents of her stomach are once again threatening to make an appearance, and she hates it.

Hates how the universe hates her so much that it screws her over like this, and she hates that she can’t even talk about it with the one person who she wants to more than anything.

She wants to punch the smug smile off Penelope Park’s face.   


* * *

  
Lizzie dances for a while longer, and Hope leans against a tall tree, watching and not letting her eyes drift anywhere else: she doesn’t know where Josie is, and looking for her becomes dangerous territory. She can’t stop drinking, because she knows she can take it, but it distracts her from the fact that she’s lonely, and the only person she will ever want belongs to someone else.

Maybe that’s what the universe is trying to shout at her- she’s destined to be lonely, because it’s safer. 

Whatever it is, Hope thinks it’s fucked up. 

  
The tribrid becomes bored of standing and slides down the tree to the floor, leaning back and closing her eyes. She hears someone who she assumes is Lizzie sit next to her, but she isn’t bothered to open her eyes and look, but she knows from the faint scent of lavender that it’s her. 

“Penelope is so lucky, you know?” Hope speaks before she can stop herself, but her words are garbled, and she doesn’t even know if Lizzie will be able to make out what she said.   
“Why?” Lizzie asks.  
“Because the goddamn stars or some shit chose her for Josie,” Hope blinks rapidly – she won’t let herself cry. “And sometimes, sometimes- I think-” she pants heavily, not able to finish her sentence and Lizzie just stares at her, not saying anything. 

“Sometimes, I wish the stars were wrong.” She looks up and bites her lip, trying to not look at Lizzie watching her from her side. The blonde pulls her in with one of her arms, and Hope knows that she understands.

She understands, but Hope hates that she has to.

* * *

  


  
The floor beneath her is unfamiliar when she wakes, and it takes her a second to realise she’s been moved by someone to inside the mill. She tries to stand but quickly finds out that she’s still drunk-her vision is blurry, and the ground is unstable under her feet, but she makes it out and behind a tree before she throws up. 

She places her hand on the tree, and in that moment, her intoxicated brain rambles at her about how trees have much easier lives that she does, but Hope rolls her eyes at herself and leans over to throw up again. 

She curses her brain when it then decides to conjure up the sound of Josie’s voice calling her name. 

Hope wipes her mouth and stands up straight.  
“I’m right, you know. You do have a much easier life.” She stares at the tree as if waiting for an answer, but to no avail, she doesn’t get one.   
“Alright, then.” She grumbles and turns, only to find Josie standing only a few metres away. Maybe Hope hadn’t imagined her voice.

She can’t believe Josie just watched her talk to a tree. 

Josie’s eyes are glistening slightly, and the first thing Hope notices is the absence of Penelope- although she tries to tell herself that she doesn’t notice, and doesn’t care.

“Jo?” Hope winces at her raw throat and rubs it with her hand as if it would make any difference.   
Josie offers Hope her hand and smiles. “We should probably get you inside.”

The tribrid takes her hand and tries to cover up the fact that her nerves are all on fire from just the small bit of contact, burning in her hand that Josie is holding, so much that she is surprised the brunette can’t feel it.

But she secretly loves that they are. 

They walk together in a comfortable silence until Hope blurts out the question that’s lingering in the air.  
“Where’s Penelope?” she asks, trying to make herself sound free of any suspicion.   
Josie keeps her eyes fixed on the ground. “She was tired, so she went in early.”  
“Did you fight?” Hope asks, knowing the look on Josie’s face all too well.   
“Hope.” Josie sighs. “I know what you’re going to say, you’ve said it enough.”  
“I’m sorry.” She whispers, turning her head to look at Josie and gives her hand a small squeeze. The younger girl smiles in return, her mouth trembling a little, but Hope knows that it isn’t her place anymore, and right now isn’t the time.

Josie leads her through the woods, still holding her hand, and although it’s dark, Hope still manages to marvel at the hidden tones in Josie’s hair and the intricate colouring of everything around her. Nothing compares to it.

Maybe apart from Josie.

Definitely Josie. 

“I forget how green the trees are.” Hope mumbles before she can catch herself, and she feels her stomach flip. Their close proximity means that Josie definitely heard her. 

The brunette stops in her tracks and turns towards Hope so slowly that it’s painful. The tribrid feels the panic rising in her chest, and there’s nothing she can do to stop it. 

Josie stares at her for a few seconds, and Hope hates how she can’t see the soft brown of her eyes all the damn time.

She hates that she has potentially just ruined everything, but the only thing she can focus on is Josie’s eyes.

“What did you say?” Josie asks, her voice strained and confused.

Hope’s mind is suddenly clear and not clouded, but the world is spinning more violently, and she’s dizzy. She drops Josie’s hand and hesitates before speaking.  
“Nothing.” 

Her voice comes out as barely a whisper. 

“You know what?” she continues. “It is really late, and I should be going.” Her tone is too quick. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Hope doesn’t wait for an answer and runs, as fast as her numb legs will let her, away from Josie standing watching her, speechless. 

The tribrid doesn’t stop running until she knows for definite that Josie can’t see her anymore, and then she slows to a walk, her mind buzzing and her chest caving in on itself. 

What had she done? 

She can feel her heart pounding, and for a second, she feels so desperate that she kind of wishes that it would just stop beating so she would have an excuse to avoid Josie. The school is now in sight, and Hope has never felt more relieved to see it. Her pace quickens- if she can just get to the sanctuary of her room, then she doesn’t have to worry about seeing Josie for the rest of the weekend and maybe two days after that before Dr Saltzman starts questioning why she isn’t turning up to classes. Hope knows that her stash of food (that she isn’t meant to have, but has anyway) could keep her going for a week, maybe two if she rationed it enough, but she knows Alaric would never let her skip class for more than two days before getting suspicious and demanding a reason.

Which she can’t give him. 

She’s inside, and she’s breathing too heavily now, but her lungs aren’t responding, and she needs air, but she can’t go back outside for air now because Josie is- Josie’s outside, and Hope doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to look her in the face again.

Her door slams shut but she can’t hear it, and she can’t see anything, and she staggers, feeling around for her bed before collapsing on it, the implications of what she had said only really just hitting her now and Hope is surprised that the sky isn’t actually falling down around her. 

She falls asleep curled up in a ball, hoping that when she wakes it will all be just a dream.

Hope hates that she already knows it isn’t.  


* * *

  
The morning sun shines through her window and Hope sighs and rolls over, before she’s kindly gifted with the memory of what happened last night. She squeezes her eyes shut and presses her lips together tightly, hoping for some kind of relief, but it doesn’t come, and she’s left with the reality that Josie _knows_ , and there’s nothing Hope can do anymore. 

Her phone goes off, and Hope reaches down to where it fell on the floor. Lizzie had just texted, asking to come over but Hope scrolls past it to see another text.

 _ **Josie** : We need to talk._

Hope throws her phone on the floor, at this point not caring if it breaks and she hopes that it dies before someone texts her again. She figures she can reply to Lizzie later, but she vaguely remembers having a conversation with the blonde last night, and from the fragments of her memory, she pieces together that it was most likely about Josie.

And if it wasn’t, Josie would’ve told her by now anyway. 

She tries to go back to sleep, but her racing mind won’t let her, and she gets disturbed not that much later by a knock on the door. Her legs swing over the side of her bed and she pads over, not caring that she looks a state until she opens the door and Josie is on the other side-and suddenly Hope really does care that her hair is a mess, her eyes are red and puffy and she probably looks like she hasn’t slept in days. 

Hope leans on the door for support and doesn’t say anything as Josie just stands there awkwardly.

“Um, hi,” Josie says quietly, so quietly that Hope may not have noticed if she didn’t see Josie’s mouth move. 

She closes her eyes and tightens her grip on the door.

“You should go.” She forces out, her voice hoarse, even though that’s the last thing she wants Josie to do. She aches to feel Josie’s touch again, so badly that she almost needs it- she just needs _Josie_. 

“Hope, I-”

The tribrid cuts her off before she can continue.

“I’m sorry.” She sighs. “I shouldn’t have said it, but I can’t do this now.” 

It hurts, but Hope shuts the door on Josie.

She hates Penelope Park, and she hates the universe, but mostly she just hates herself. 

She knows Josie needs and deserves to be happy, and the cosmos knows it shouldn’t be with her. 

It hurts, this heart-shattering pain, but she hopes that one day it won’t be as bad and she won’t have to pick up her heart piece by piece every time she sees Penelope and Josie together.

She kind of hates that she knows it’s not going to get better. 

And as much as the tribrid wants to deny it, even the universe had decided that they were made for each other.

It had just made a mistake with her.


End file.
